RELOADED: How To Find Out If Your Teacher Is Gay

March 21, 2008

This is a rewritten version of an entry that has appeared previously but is no longer available. Apologies if you have read it before.

If you are a boy in year ten then (for reasons quite beyond me) it will be very important to you to find out if your male teachers are homosexual.

The main method used to find out is to repeatedly ask personal questions. Here are the usual questions:

“Are you married?”

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Do you have any children?”

“Who do you live with?”

“Does the person you live with have a girlfriend?”

“Is the person you live with gay?”

“What music do you listen to?”

“Do you listen to Elton John?”

“Do you listen to the Village People?”

“What clothes do you wear when you aren’t in school?”

“Have you ever gone to The Village?” [the local gay bar]

This is all fairly standard. But be careful, you risk getting so carried away with the investigation that you will accidentally ask something that isn’t very polite, like “Do you have any mates?”.

At a bad school the questions “Do you like girls?”,“Are you gay?” and “Do you take it up the arse?” may also make it into the list. If you are going to ask a question that does go too far it is best to start by saying “Sir, can I ask you a question?” (Ignore the reply, as all sensible teachers will say “No” as any question that needs permission to be asked should never be asked.)

Apart from making very stereotypical assumptions about gay men, this approach is also completely hopeless against the openly gay teacher. At Woodrow Wilson School one of the staff was not just Out but Out To The Kids. He taught a lot of the PSHE modules on Relationships to different classes and would out himself to each class in turn. Very confusing for those students who assumed it must be a secret. It did seem to pay off. Whereas most teachers would at some point experience homophobic abuse, report it and nothing would get done, he would go straight (no pun intended) to his union rep, report it as discrimination and harassment, and the child would be excluded for a day or two.

That said I can understand why most of the gay teachers I’ve known like to remain in the closet to the kids rather than be the subject of gossip. But they do have to be discreet. The other gay teacher I knew of at Woodrow Wilson School, despite keeping his sexuality from the kids, thought it would be safe to put his picture on a gay dating site. It was found, read, and within a couple of days every child in the school could quote the blurb from the advert “My name’s Dave, and I like Geography but I’m not just interested in work….”. A few days later they were also quoting several sentences that were not in the original advert, that had been added as the story spread throughout the school. Sentences I couldn’t possibly repeat.


  1. We have one openly gay male teacher and an openly gay female teacher. The kids who would normally be delighted to take a pop at a teacher of whose sexual orientation they had no idea just leave them alone. Either they’re too confused when faced with the genuine article to know what to do [“You’re gay, you.” “Yes, I am.”] or sexuality is not the actual issue; winding up the teacher by whatever means are at their creatively limited disposal is.

  2. Lilyofthefield – I think your spot on. Sexuality isn’t actually the issue – the thought of getting under the skin and winding the teacher up is the aim of the exercise!

  3. OldAndrew,

    Ah, the good old days at Woodrow Wilson come flooding back on reading this. Dave from Geography was a top bloke, and he knew the difference between “discrete” (which means “comes in separate blobs”) and “discreet” (which alludes to the better part of valour).

    It is worth noting that Gary the head teacher, Gladys, one of the assistant heads and almost everyone else at Woodrow Wilson were very supportive of Dave during the whole nine days wonder of his “outing” and he looks back on those days now and laughs.

  4. And posts like that leave me wondering:

    a) Just how many people know my secret identity
    b) Why nobody can just tell me about a spelling mistake without making a sarcy comment

  5. Hilarious! My kids are convinced I’m about to marry an ex- teacher at school as I always talk about him… but the only thing that stops them is that they also think he’s gay…

    He is gay of course. But hey, maybe we will still get married!

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