Sports News

January 31, 2010

I’ve just received this from a friend in a more senior position than myself, so it must be true:

Andy Murray wins 2010  Australian Open

Following the intervention of Ed Balls, Secretary of State for Retardation and Ignorance, and in line with what is happening in British Schools, I am pleased to announce Andy Murray has won the 2010 Australian Open Tennis Tournament. It has now been made easier to win the tournament, just turning up and competing results in a trophy, a winner’s medal and a certificate of victory. This is so no one feels like a loser and so that Andy Murray does not suffer from low self esteem.

Furthermore, he has been diagnosed, by someone with no qualifications whatsoever, with a specific learning disability that means tournament organisers have to differentiate matches according to his IEP and not expect him to perform against the world number 1, as not only is this likely to result in failure and a lowering of self esteem. He is also likely to fail his target of not swearing more than once a game.

To ensure Andy always gains the success we are sure he deserves, or at least to ensure he’s successful enough that he won’t get stroppy and disruptive and swear at the umpire, we have come up with a personalised education plan where he will be examined on: being Scottish, shouting “come on” and playing on his X-Box.  Under no circumstances shall he be tested on “playing Swiss people called Roger in Grand Slam tournaments”.

Finally, in order to avoid a repeat of this morning,  Andy shall not be expected to play tennis to win matches. All Andy need do is to fill in a booklet about Tennis, with the help of Wikipedia which has all of the relevant answers. Completion of this booklet will be the equivalent of 4 Grand Slam victories.

An announcement about a new diploma in tennis playing is expected shortly.


  1. *falls over laughing*

    Well, we’ve got to laugh – otherwise we’d cry, wouldn’t we?

  2. An announcement about a new diploma in tennis playing is expected shortly.

    As schools are no longer required to expect pupils to pass the yet to be introduced “Functional Skills” portion of the diploma, those unable to complete the diploma will be offered one of the 250,000 new places on the Apprenticeship scheme, provided that the government can con persuade employers to take on wannabe tennis players.

  3. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or run screaming from my classroom. You know there is some IEP out there that says exactly what is written above.

  4. This sounds like a great idea!

    I’m sure the people who pay to have tennis played will take these new tennis certificates and value them as providing useful information about who they should shell out money for to buy tickets.

  5. This is so funny

    Thank you Old Andrew for that.

    I wonder if Balls would laugh if he read this?

  6. Funny but unfortunately true- we are creating another generation of lazy, spoon-fed monsters who will continue to have everything handed to them on a silver plate. I worry about what comes next, I really do.

  7. I know I’m going to invite having balls of paper thrown at me for pointing this out, but how many teachers have read the first sentence of this post and not noticed that ‘received’ has been spelled wrongly?

    • One day people will learn to point these things out by email.

      • Surely not. Aren’t Comment Boards reserved for making abject fools of people?

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