Blood and Guts

February 21, 2008

If the Centre For Policy Studies gets its way (“Retrain Troops as Teachers”) staff briefing will be very different:

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever taught a lesson by listening. He taught it by making the poor dumb bastards listen.

Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about teachers not wanting to teach, wanting to facilitate learning, is a lot of horse dung. Teachers, traditionally, love to teach. All real teachers love standing in front of a class.

When you were kids, you all admired the best explanation of equations, the longest list of irregular verbs, the highest academic achievements, the most challenging books. Teachers love a bright spark and will not tolerate a dullard. Teachers educate all the time. Now, I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who scheduled a “fun lesson”. That’s why teachers have never had fun in lessons and will never just “chill”. Because the very thought of “chilling” is hateful to teachers.

Now, a school is a team. It lives, marks, teaches, punishes as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who write about personalised learning for the Times Educational Supplement don’t know anything more about real teaching than they do about fornicating.

Now, we have the finest classrooms and equipment, the best spirit, and the best men in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity the poor bastards we’re teaching. By God, I do. We’re not just going to instruct the bastards. We’re going to rip their mobiles phones from their ears and use them to phone their parents to complain about their behaviour. We’re going to educate those lousy chav bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll chicken-out at the chalk-face. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The students are the enemy. Give them detentions. Instruct them. Set them textbook exercises. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was a brand new exercise book, you’ll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages about Performance Management. We’re not managing anything. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in managing anything — except our classes. We’re going to put them in a seating plan, and we’re gonna educate their asses. We’re gonna teach the hell out of them all the time, and we’re gonna go through the syllabus like crap through a goose! Now, there’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you, “What did you do in education?” — you won’t have to say, “Well, I worked as an LEA consultant .”

Alright now you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys on break, lunch or bus duty. That’s all.


One comment

  1. Is this satire or do you hope for it?

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