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Twenty Lies

November 8, 2008

Dilbert.com

Lies Children Tell Teachers

  1. I did the homework but left it at home.
  2. I came to see you for my detention but I couldn’t find you.
  3. I work better when I’m sat with my friends.
  4. I don’t care if you tell my parents.
  5. I didn’t do anything wrong.
  6. I can’t afford to buy that (usually a ruler, pen, new planner or shoes)
  7. I’m never coming to this lesson again.
  8. I’m allowed to wear my coat.
  9. I’ve already done that detention.
  10. I wasn’t talking.

Lies Teachers Tell Children

  1. That’s really good work.
  2. If you are being bullied tell your form tutor and they will deal with it.
  3. The most important thing is that you tried your best.
  4. It helps to talk about your feelings.
  5. Violence never solves anything.
  6. I like you.
  7. This subject will teach you lots of important skills.
  8. This is a very good school.
  9. It is very important that you do homework.
  10. I like all of the other teachers.
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12 comments

  1. I like

    “I handed the homework in on time, so you must have lost it” from students, and

    “I haven’t taken this pile of homework out of this room, so if it’s not there you didn’t hand it in” from the teacher.


  2. 2nd half #6 is hilarious!

    But I have to disagree with #7 – Isn’t that one true?


  3. Not always.

    Of course, it always is true in my lessons.


  4. My favourite lie for children – Of course you can get a grade C at GCSE


  5. Well done.

    I’d add

    Lies children tell teachers

    I didn’t do it (even if you saw them, repeated denials follow)

    Lies teachers tell children

    I’ve worked hard on this lesson, the least you can do is listen. ( :P )


  6. I always use “I’ve got a certain amount of work that needs to be done this lesson and we’re not leaving until it’s done.”

    Oh and a personal bugbear is when kids tell me they never knew that rehearsals were taking place eventhough I put the schedule up every Friday afternoon for the following week in two places. Arrggghhhh


  7. [...] Perhaps the U.K.’s oldandrew who demonstrates a deft touch for diplomatic niceties with Twenty Lies posted at Scenes From The Battleground. Other visitors from abroad:  Australia’s pennyryder [...]


  8. “It is very important that you do homework.”

    Why is that a lie?


  9. May I recommend:

    I’m not against all homework, but setting it and marking it every week for all kids is a truly pointless task.


  10. Another lie teachers tell children: you have to turn up for detention.

    As you say oldandrew, most kids know that this is purely optional in tough schools. They point blank refuse to turn up when you set detention. In comedy fashion you then have to offer them another ‘chance’ to come to detention (to which the reply is ‘I’m not coming to your fcking detention’). Then follows another hypothetical one hour detention. Then follows a ‘referral’ to senior management. What happens to the referrals? We never find out. Students are never expelled permanently, and are only excluded on a temporary basis for incidents of violence or sexual assault.

    Thanks for your blog, it keeps me going!


  11. Presumably they don’t always use those lies.My eldest son’s Grade 7 teacher,faced with the usual grumblings as the class was divided up for yet another useless group project snapped “For God’s sake stop whining- I can’t stand most of the people I have to work with and you don’t hear me complaining”


  12. Well done Pink Shoes for bringing to light one of the biggest scandals in our education system, namely the huge number of child sex offenders that there are in it.

    As you know, I not talking about men in dirty raincoats here, but rather the ‘pint sized pedophiles’

    These are the children who commit sexual offences against other children (and adults) in school settings and yet, they never get punished for it.

    We all see it don’t we. Kid X commits a sexual assault against Kid Y, who reports it. A day or so later, a vague notice might be displayed in the staff room to the effect that Kid X has been excluded for a day or so for ‘unacceptable behaviour’. And then, back they come.

    What SHOULD happen is that Kid X is handed over to the police who will keep them in custody until the trial. Even if they don’t the very least that should happen is they should be suspended from school until the judicial process has run its course. Mind, thats the sensible thing to do – since when did sense have anything to do with education.

    As well as the opportunist sex offender, you of course have the hard core abusers, the kind of dirty old man in training types. IN my short career, I have come across two like this. Both have made my skin crawl. Both had risk assessments clearly defining them as a sexual threat to both children and to adults. In both cases, staff were clearly advised never to EVER be in a situation alone with them or to allow other children to be alone with them.

    But, every morning, breaktime and lunchtime, they would be let out with all the other kids while the staff grumbled in the staff room and smoked fags behind the bike sheds. No one (except me) bothered to check what contact they were having with other children and so they were left, totally free to do as they please.

    I suggested exclusion. I suggested keeping them in during free times when there was no teaching. I suggested putting them on a distance learning programme such as that run by Accipio. This would at least allow them to continue to receive their ‘right’ to an education at home whilst keeping them away from kids they were highly likely to abuse.

    I was looked at like I was from another planet!

    Time and again, I made the point ‘if an adult had just half the risk assessment these kids have, they would never be allowed anywhere near children. So, how is it that they are allowed free run of the school?’ Well, you might just as well have asked how the universe began!

    Personally, I lay the blame at the government’s door. They are the one’s that have come up with this ‘no exclusions’ policy that means schools have to play ‘scum swap’ every so often.

    It must be like a card game as the SMT’s of all the schools in a particular ‘consortium’ sit there and say ‘Tell you what, I’ll swap two sex offenders or three of your racists, but ONLY if you also agree to take half a dozen thieves from St Chavs’.

    So much for Every Child Matters!



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